The Fatherdaughter lunch
by Rincer of Winds
Summary: When Death invites Susan to a fatherdaughter lunch and Rincewind shows up, things get interesting quickly. Rincewind is once again living in interesting times!
1. Invitation

Susan stormed down the hall. Reaching the large double doors that led to the common room, she hurried in.

"Why is he doing this?" She said, half to herself. Unfortunately for her, the seven-foot skeleton in the armchair heard her.

"WHY IS_ WHO_ DOING _WHAT_?" asked Death.

"Oh, never mind Grandfather" Susan said after she recovered. She realized she should have been expecting him to be there, but her mind had been on other things.

"AH. I SEE. NOW THEN, TO THE MATTER FOR WHICH I HAVE CALLED YOU HERE."

"Yes, why did you do that? I had two parent-teacher conferences today. I assume you want me to save the Disc… again." The sarcasm in her voice was unfortunately lost on Death.

"NOT EXACTLY. YOU SEE, AS EMBARRISING AS THIS IS, THE FOUR HORSEMEN HAVE CALLED A…" His skull lost some of it's traditional grin. With a small shrug, he continued "FATHER DAUGHTER LUNCH."

Susan raised her eyebrows. "And since you have no children, you thought that I would suffice?"

"YOU KNOW I DON'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. BESIDES, IT COULD BE ENTERTAINING."

"And I'm just supposed to drop what I'm doing and join you? I have obligations!"

"IT WOULD TAKE UP NONE OF YOUR TIME HERE ON THE DISCWORLD. YOU KNOW THAT."

Susan opened her mouth, and closed it. Finally, she said, "Would Lobsang be there?"

"NO. UNLESS YOU WOULD PREFER WE INVITE HIM?"

"No!" she quickly said. "Well, alright, but if that raven starts pecking everything in hopes it's an eyeball I'm leaving!"

"IT WILL BE TOMORROW. I WILL SEND BINKY TO PICK YOU UP."

"Goodbye Grandfather."

"FAREWELL SUSAN."

Back at his world, Death finally relaxed. As Albert poured himself some tea (with fried porridge), Death remarked, "THAT WENT BETTER THAN I EXPECTED."

**********

Susan, meanwhile, had just made it back to the school house in time to see Billy's parents walk into her classroom. She groaned inwardly. Billy had never been her most cooperative student. She just hoped he hadn't gotten his bad sense of timing from his parents. She quickly stepped into her room.

"Ah, hello Mr. and Mrs…" She paused. What was Billy's last name again?

"Door." The mother filled in. "I'm Billy's mother. Please call me Renata."

"Thank you. Now then, is there anything you would like to ask me about Billy?"

After a half hour of explaining how monster hunting expeditions were merely a way of dealing with fears, and pretending to have no idea how the red dirt got on Billy's shoes the day he came home talking about kangaroos, Susan finally ushered the Door's out of her Classroom.

When she got home that night she went to bed almost immediately. It had been a very hectic day, and she was actually looking forward to the luncheon the next day to her surprise.


	2. The runin

Well, I've been tied up with school so I haven't had much time to write. It's short, but there will be more to come now that the weekend has finally come. I had some issues with how to write Death's reaction, so sorry if it's too clumsy. Thank you for the reviews, and for those of you who noticed, I _had_ just finished reading Reaper Man. Ah well. I hope you enjoy!

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Rincewind walked down the hallway of Unseen University, headed for the library. He took a route specifically planned for the least run-ins with the Arch-chancellor, having no wish to deal with Ridcully more than necessary. When he reached the library, he dumped the armload of bananas he had been carrying by the orangutan at the desk.

"Ook!" The librarian said indignantly, peeling a banana as he spoke.

"Well, that's all the kitchens had! Besides, that will last you for a while, just eat slowly. Now, if you'll excuse me, Ponder is determined to have a book about the eating habits of mice, and you seem too occupied to get it." He plodded down the rows of books, glancing at the titles and muttering "No, that's about werewolves... ants… where is it?"

The shelves and books around him gradually faded, until everything seemed to be a shade of gray. He continued looking at the books. Here was one labeled Windle Poons. Another labeled Ponder Stibbons. Suddenly, he realized what the titles meant.

" What?! But these are…" He saw one entitled Rincewind the Wizzard. He paled. Hesitantly, he took it off the shelf, and opened it.

"_Rincewind found himself in Death's land." _With a shriek, Rincewind shut the book, and began to run.

*************

Susan woke up to see a white horse standing in her room, and smiled. So her grandfather _had_ sent Binky. Rolling out of bed, she proceeded to get ready. After a few minutes of careful preparation, she judged herself acceptable. Quickly, before she lost her nerve, she mounted Binky. He snorted, and slowly trotted off.

The ride was gentle, and when they landed, she glanced around. There was the swing, the cornfield, the gardens. Susan smiled. This place always felt uncannily like home. Bracing herself, she walked through the door.

"Hello Grandfather!" She called.

"SUSAN? YOU'RE HERE EARLY. DID YOU HAVE A PLESANT TRIP?" Death placed the lifetimer he had been examining in his desk.

"Yes, it was fine. When are the others coming?"

"THEY SHOULD BE HERE SOON."

"Oh good. I haven't seen them in a whi-" Susan was cut short by a man in a robe and a tattered pointy hat barreling into her. She collapsed, and he fell on top of her, groaning. Death bent down, and helped Susan up.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" When she nodded an affirmative, he turned to the wizard. "RINCEWIND? IS THAT YOU? WHAT ON THE DISC ARE YOU DOING HERE OF ALL PLACES?"

Rincewind winced and said, "Oh, I just felt like stopping in for a bit of polite conversation. I don't know how I got here! One minute I'm in the library, the next I'm here! And who is this?" He gestured toward Susan. "The latest deceased?"

"SHE IS MY GRANDDAUGHTER."

Rincewind shook his head. "Excuse me, I must have misheard you. I thought you said your Granddaughter."

Susan, having fully recovered, said "Yes, I'm Death's granddaughter. And how does Grandfather know you?"

"It's a habit of his, turning up when I least expect it and hoping I'll die." Rincewind shook his head. "Now if we could please figure out how to get me home…" The sound of hundreds of little legs punctuated his statement. The luggage walked up.

"Sapient Pearwood?" Susan asked. "But that's extremely rare!"

"Yes, yes, meet the luggage." Rincewind spoke with the attitude of someone who had said the same thing many, many times. Just then, the doorbell rang. Death's grin faded.

"AH." He said. "THE COMPANY IS HERE."


	3. auditors

Rincewind tilted his head. "Who's here?"

Susan groaned. "They're here already? I thought you said ten-thirty!"

"I DID."

"Well It's only ten now!"

"Excuse me, but exactly who's here?" asked Rincewind again.

"And what are we going to do with him?" asked Susan, jerking her thumb in Rincewind's direction.

"I'm standing right here you know!" said Rincewind.

"I DON'T KNOW." Death pulled out a lifetimer, and glanced at the contents. "I COULD ALWAYS…"

"Grandfather! I suppose he could stay, but would that go well?"

"WELL, WAR DOES LIKE HIM. I SUPPOSE HE COULD STAY."

"Wait a minute!" Rincewind backed away, shaking his head. "War? Oh no, no way!"

Even as he was backing away, the ring came again. This time, it was followed by a loud knocking. Albert appeared, and shuffled to the door. Before anyone could protest, the door was opened, and the three other horsemen came rushing in. When they came in, Rincewind began to run.

"WOULD YOU PLEASE GET HIM SUSAN? I WOULD HATE FOR HIM TO… MESS WITH ANYTHING. HELLO WAR, PESTILENCE, FAMINE."

Susan walked off, hearing cries of greeting and complaints coming from the direction of the horsemen. She considered pausing time to catch him, but decided to use that as a last result. She had seen the children trailing behind the company, and the school-teacher in her was of the opinion that they needed a good talking to. Finally, she tired of walking aimlessly, and sighed and snapped her fingers.

With time paused, she continued on. She hadn't gotten that far when she found Rincewind. She walked up to him, and froze. Dead ahead was a figure in a hooded gray robe. Swearing under her breath, she grabbed Rincewind's robe and unfroze time. He jerked, and spun around.

"You? How did you catch up with me?"

Susan gave him a look, and turned to the figure in the robe. "What are you doing here?" she said with disgust evident in her voice.

"We were restoring order."

"Did it have anything to do with something happening to Rincewind? Like say, an accidental run-in with the monster over there?"

The monster in the corner tried very hard to hide behind thin air. It remembered Susan and the poker all too well.

"We are not pleased. Inferior beings such as you should not interfere with our plans."  
"Do I look like I care what you think?" Shaking her head, Susan began to walk away. "Come on Wizard. "

Rincewind began to creep away.

"I SAID COME ON." Rincewind found himself scuttling along beside her.

"You… you used the voice!"

"Yes, yes, it comes with being Death's granddaughter. So does stopping time. Now if you would hurry up!"

They walked along through the lifetimers until they could hear War and Famine arguing.

"Oh no, they're at it again!" said Susan. "Honestly, who cares who kills more people?" Reaching the room, she thrust Rincewind ahead of her. "Everyone, meet Rincewind. Grandfather, I found an Auditor trying to dispose of him. What do you make of that?"

Rincewind said, "You know, It's times like this when I would really like a nice boring island again…"

"OH DO BE QUIET RINCEWIND. GO TALK TO PESTILANCE OR SOMETHING. YOU WERE SAYING SUSAN?"

"I found an Auditor about to accidentally place a monster in his path. Apparently they're trying to restore order again." Susan rolled her eyes. "I did tell you that we would end up having to save the disc."

"WHY WOULD THEY WANT _RINCEWIND_ DISPOSED OF?" Death turned to the others. "ANY SUGGESTIONS?"


	4. The decision

***

Meanwhile, the luggage was having problems of it's own. It was currently trapped in a room with war's children, and they were preventing it from getting out. It had tried to eat one of them, and they had reappeared, which confused the luggage. It knew something was wrong with it's master, but it couldn't get at him! It settled down in a corner, looking offended, to try and figure out this dilemma.

*****

"No I don't want to throw the world into chaos! " Rincewind was getting very tired of answering questions he didn't see the point in. "Look, can you just get me home?"

"NO. THE AUDITORS SEEM TO THINK GETTING RID OF YOU WILL CAUSE THE WORLD TO FALL INTO ORDER. THEREFORE, YOU MUST BE A KEY IN STOPPING THEM."

Susan was having an internal struggle with herself. Finally, she gave up, and cleared her throat. When they turned to look at her, she quietly said, "We could… ask Lobsang."

Immediately everyone started nodding, and war said, "That's a smart lass you have there Death."

Death nodded, and pulled Susan aside. "ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS? I KNOW SEEING HIM WOULD CAUSE YOU DISCOMFORT."

"I'll be okay."

Death looked at her closely. "IF YOU SAY SO. I HATE TO DO THIS TO YOU."

"just summon him before I change my mind please."

Death nodded. The horsemen drew together. Rincewind craned his neck to see what they were doing, but was pulled back by Susan.

"Don't get in their way!" She hissed.

After a while, the horsemen separated. Where they had been, stood Lobsang. Susan gulped and took a few steps back.

"I suppose you've brought me here to ask about Rincewind?" Asked Lobsang. When they nodded, he continued, "If the auditors succeed in killing him he won't be able to save the disc. If they don't he will be a hero." Death began to speak, but Lobsang cut him off. "No, I can't tell you what he'll save it from. It has to do with the games of the gods, and you know I can't mention that. Now then, please tell Susan I said hello, and that she's welcome to drop by whenever she wants to. May I go now?"

The horsemen dismissed him, and turned to Rincewind. Rincewind said, "Not another adventure, please, anything but that! Can't you just put me somewhere they won't find me?" The horsemen left the room, and began to speak. Susan stood by the doorway, and listened.

"I SUPPOSE ANYWHERE WE PUT HIM WILL BE ALRIGHT."

"But what about the Auditors?"

"WE COULD SEND SOMEONE TO LOOK AFTER HIM."

Susan groaned inwardly. Here came the brilliant idea. Sure enough, Pestilence suggested "Why don't you send Susan? She could take a… a holiday or something!"

Susan entered the room, saying "Fine, I'll do it, but YOU have to find my substitute."

Death looked at her gratefully. "WOULD YOU? DON'T WORRY, WE'LL HANDLE THE SUBSTITUTE. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SENT?"

"Somewhere warm. Preferably where there's no one either of us know."

"IT WILL BE ARRANGED. FAREWELL SUSAN." Susan braced herself as Binky swept under her and Rincewind, and carried them off.


	5. Destination

Okay, I had given up on this, and plus I had a major attack of procrastination. Reading over this it seems rushed and they're a tad OOC, so I'll try and fix that. I think the dely has been almost a year so I'll try and actually follow through this time okay? Promise. The next chapter will probably be about Death's search for a sub... I have an evil plan for that part. Oh, and** Disclaimer: I do not own discworld or any of the characters mentioned in this, nor do I wish too. If I did I'd have to stop reading the stories!

* * *

**

Rincewind shrieked and clutched Susan's robe. She shot him a despairing Look and choked back a reprimand. Instead she turned her thoughts to the journey ahead, attempting to guess where on Disc they might be headed. Her question was answered when at last, a continent appeared before them.

"Ah, Fourecks". She said, turning to Rincewind.

His eyes widened. "Oh no, please no. Please, please…"

"What's wrong with Fourecks?" Susan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I'm wanted there for stealing a sheep."

"Why did you ste-"  
"I didn't steal it! I was returning it! But anywhere else, I beg of you."

Sighing and turning back, she asked "Is the Agatean Empire alright?"

"NO!"

"Another sheep?"

"They think I'm the leader of the red army, the leader is Cohen, and Twoflower is there. No."

"Well we can't exactly go to Ankh-Morpork!"

"And why not?"

"Because the Auditors are trying to kill you!"

"So are dozens of other people there!"

Susan shook her head, and said "Well where would you like to go then?"

"Um…" His eyes glazed over, and all Susan could get him to say was something odd about potatoes.

"Fine." She said at last. "Even though I think it's a horrid idea, we'll go to Ankh…" Suddenly she remembered that her grandfather had volunteered to find a substitute. A small smile crossed her face, and she turned Binky's head not toward Ankh-Morpork, but toward the counterweight continent. So the leader was a barbarian, anything was worth a vacation.

When Rincewind snapped out of a pleasant daydream about lots and lots of butter, he looked over Susan's shoulder. "This looks like a pleasant place, meaning it's probably full of cannibles. See all that gold? This will be an awful place. All that gold…." He stopped. "The Counterweight contenint?"

"I'm sure we'll be fine." Susan replied.

"Butbutbut….fine. Something awful would happen anywhere we went, why not go someplace awful for it to happen in." Susan smiled, and pretended not to hear him muttering "I'm going to die, I'm going to die" under his breath.

* * *

Okay, so it's kinda short... but oh well. The next one will be longer, okay? And Rincewind and the potatoes... I guess the therapy didn't work.


	6. Death's subbing job

Okay, if I keep them this short there will end up being entirely too many chapters. The next update will take a while as a result, I'm going to try and make the chapters longer so this will end with less than twenty chapters at least. Thank you for all the reviews, please continue! I get motivated when I'm reviewed and update much faster as a result! **Disclaimer: I do not own Discworld or any characters mentioned.**

* * *

Death frowned at the letter clasped in his skeletal hands. …_And so, even though the job seems quite good I must turn you down. _ "ALBERT?" he called.

After a brief period of time, Albert appeared in the doorway. "Yes master?"

"WOULD YOU MIND HELPING ME OUT WITH A SMALL THING?"

Albert looked at the letter in Death's hand. "Yes I would mind. I don't have much time left at all and there's no way I'm spending it baby-sitting."

"I WAS ONLY HOPING THAT-"

"No."

"VERY WELL THEN. JUST A THOUGHT." Death sighed. At this rate he'd have to do the job himself. He let out a hollow laugh at the thought, and began to look for another substitute.

A young girl sat down and gave the man at the front of the classroom a piercing look. "You're a skellington." She said matter-of-factly.

"ERM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT?" Death said rather hopelessly. Children saw what was _there_.

"'S all right, miss Susan wouldn't send a mean skellington to teach us." Said a young boy sitting toward the back.

"IS THAT SO?" Death sensed he was over his head in some ways.

"What will we be learning today? Its only I was hoping for another lesson on bogeymen." Said the boy.

"WELL I'M NOT VERY GOOD WITH BOGEYMEN." Said the seven foot skeleton.

"What will you teach us then?"

"HOW ABOUT A LESSON…" The blue flames in the eye sockets gleamed. "ON HISTORY?"

There was a collective busy sound in the classroom. It was the sound of a dozen children straightening up hopefully. "What kind of history?"

"WHAT KIND WOULD YOU LIKE?"

"I wanna see a battle!" said the boy, his cry being taken up by the class.

Death grinned (a constant state of being). "I THINK I CAN ARRANGE THAT."

* * *

It's so short... *sigh* I promise they'll be longer! Next chapter- Susan and Rincewind! Will they stay in the counterweight contenint or be driven off by optimistic tourists and barking dogs? That's for me not to know and you to find out.


	7. Twoflower

Okay guys, I finally updated it! It's kinda short, but the next chapter is already in the works I swear. So now that I have found writing time in school the updates will be quicker, and hopefully chapters will continue to grow longer. Thanks for all the kind reviews, and please keep nagging at me to write least I forget! Well, here it is, hope you like it!

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Rincewind looked around. There was a man holding a buffalo on a string, a shack with a roof of gold, and…. "They left the statue up." He groaned.

"Oh, so that is one of the red army? I had been wondering." Said Susan.

They began to walk along, Rincewind muttering darkly as they did. After a few minutes they came upon the wall that guarded the city.

"Rincewind? Is that you?" Called a voice from above the wall.

Rincewind froze. "Oh no. It couldn't possibly be… oh no…"

"It's me! Twoflower!" Called Twoflower, for it was indeed him.

"Hello Twoflower." Yelled Rincewind. It wasn't that he hated the little man, they had developed an odd friendship over the shared adventures, it was just that the optimistic little ex-tourist always seemed to find trouble.

"What are you doing here? After our last adventure I thought you'd never come back!"

"Yes, well, I though why not come back to the place where a barbarian is leader and I almost got killd in several different awful ways." Rincewind snapped. As always, sarcasm flew right by Twoflower.

"I'm glad you did!"

In spite of himself, Rincewind smiled.

"Now then, where's the entrance?" Put in Susan.

Twoflower slapped his forehead. "Oh! Of course! We haven't had any visitors in a while, pardon my mistake." The little man disappeared for a moment, and then a portion of the wall swung back. And there was Twoflower, beaming behind huge round glasses. Rincewind glared.

"What's that you're wearing?"

Twoflower glanced down at his magnificent blue and gold robe. "What, this? Oh, it's just my work robe. Lord Cohen doesn't like me to look so traditional, but of course this is a special occasion!"

"It is?" asked Rincewind.

"Why of course! It's been one year since the red army defeated Lord Hong!"

Susan walked over, and said "Oh, I've heard of that! I taught my students about it just last week. And you say it happened a year ago today?"

"Yes, that's why we were so happy to see Rincewind, just on cue as usual!"

"Wait…" Said Rincewind. "We?" With growing horror he looked around Twoflower and there was what he had feared.

"Now what do you say lads?"

"Hello Rincewind." Chorused the five very old little men standing and sitting in a row.

"Oh no." Groaned Rincewind. "Not the silver hoarde!"

* * *

Okay, here it is. I know that Twoflower will actually be less optimistic in the upcoming chapters, since he did develope some in the book. So keep reading!


	8. Chapter 8 which doesn't get a name

I had almost forgotten about this story! Thank you to everyone who reviewed, if it hadn't been for you this story probably would have remained sitting in a corner. I'm afraid it's another one of my notoriously short chapters, I wanted to get _something_ up so I'd have a reason to continue. A special thank-you to YourEvilNemisisBwahaha, I guess your nagging worked since I wrote this in a day! Please review, if you bug me I'll write faster. I have three other stories that desperatly need updating, I've been hanging out in the Hetalia fandom, my Bleach needs updating, and I have an idea for a Harry Potter, (so if any of those interest you feel free to drop over and read 'em!). Favorites mean a lot to me, and I thank those of you who had from the bottom of my heart, same to the people who add this to their alerts, but reviews mean more! I'm sure you don't care about all my whining, so I'll let you read in peace.

**Terry Pratchett owns Discworld. I'm a teenager, and I'm a female. Therefore, I am not Terry Pratchett.

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**

"Do you mean to say," asked Susan, looking at Rincewind curiously, "that **you** are the leader of the Red Army?"

A young woman approached them, and Rincewind groaned. "Hello Pretty Butterfly."

She nodded at him. "Hello Rincewind, Father, Emperors, and…" she trailed off when she came to Susan.

"Susan." Rincewind filled in. "You know, it's really nice of you to say hello instead of hitting me over the head and hissing instructions at me when I wake up blindfolded, this is a change isn't it?"

Ignoring his last remark, Pretty Butterfly turned to Twoflower. "Father, the ceremony is about to begin, and they are all awaiting the return of the Great Wizzard. Shall we deliver him?"

Rincewind kept up a muttered commentary, which Susan listen to with mild interest. "What I Did On My Holidays… pah! What I did was get threatened with a cheese grater on several different occasions, nearly die at the hands of an insane emperor and his Vizier, fall into a bloody hollow hill, and then almost drown in mud after I save all of their lives! If Pretty Butterfly had just run a bit slower…Urinating Dog!"

Susan sidled closer to Rincewind. "We can trust these people, correct?"

"Define trustworthy." Rincewind said. "I'm going to have to make some new sandals aren't I…"

"By trustworthy I mean are our lives in serious danger?"

"My life is always in serious danger. It's a constant state of being for me. As for you? Just…" And idea struck him. "Just tell them you're a teacher. They love teachers."

She nodded. "Allright. Is this really the silver horde? They're so…"

"They've had a lot of practice at not dying."

"Ah."

Rincewind looked up, and realized that the crowd was staring at him expectantly. "Look, how did you even know I'd be here today?"

Twoflower looked surprised. "You're the Great Wizzard! Of course you'll be here on your day!"

Pretty Butterfly nodded, and her sister Lotus Blossom smiled at him. Cohen grinned, which looked suspiciously like a snarl to Rincewind, and said. "Rincewind's a good lad, you can count on him in a crisis." As the small group began to walk through the gate into the city, he added quietly to the hoard, "At least, you can count on him to run away the fastest in a crisis."

"Whaaat?"

"I SAID YOU CAN COUNT ON HIM TO RUN FAST HAMISH!"

"Right!"

Rincewind groaned.

A wheedling voice cut through to the group. "Authentic red army terracotta, signed by the Great Wizzard himself! 100 year old eggs, if they're a day under 100 may I disembowel myself honorably!"

Susan froze. "Is that…"

"Disembowel-Meself-Honourably Dibhala." Said Rincewind.

"You mean like…"

"C.M.O.T.? Yes. Over the years of travel I've met Cut-Me-Own-Hand-Off Dhblah, May-I-Never-Achieve-Enlightenment Dhiblang, May-I-Be-Kicked-In-My-Own-Ice-Hole Dibooki, Swallow-Me-Own-Blow-Dart Dlang-Dlang, and many more." Rincewind shrugged. "I don't know how it works, they aren't related, but it just happens."

Susan nodded slowly. "I bet Grandfather would be interested by this."

"Speaking of dear old Granddad, I wonder how things are fairing in Ankh-Morpork?"

A small, evil-looking smile crept across Susan's face. "I wish him luck."

* * *

My dad, in his infinintly annoying curiosity, saw me writing this and kept asking what it was. He seems to not take me seriously when I say I'm writing -.-; So thank you dad, thank you very much for helping my self-confidence about 'publishing' my work on FF. Fathers...


End file.
